Adoption Controversy Series Issue # Four

Thankful Thursday!

So very very thankful for my dinner with Jean and Katie on Monday. It replenished my spirit and my love for adoption and friends who feel the same!!!! It was just too much fun for me to even describe!!!

Very thankful for my dinner date with Justin last night. He took me out to sushi for my birthday as he as been out of town forever and is leaving again in the morning until Thanksgiving! I felt like I was having dinner with a celebrity and had to pinch myself reminding myself that he is NO celebrity he's my son!

Thankful that Matt has made it home for his two week leave during his 13 month deployment. They came over with our granddaughter the day he got home. Very nice to have him here.

Thankful we received our notice from the US immigration that they will be sending us our fingerprint appt soon for Gio. Things are moving along nicely.

Giving Thanks!

Adoption Controversy Series Issue # Three

Link to last topic and links to original at end of post.

Aren't you just contributing to the problem of orphans in these countries that take large sums of money from you to adopt your child? and/or How much did they cost?

Well, let's see I just wrote a check to our own government for $910 for our immigration approval for Gio. That does not include all the other incidental fees I have paid to various government agencies to be able to adopt our third child in three years! I can look at that as corruption or I can look at it as hopefully money being used to prevent corruption with our adoptions.

Do I believe that adoption fees are outrageous and unjust? Yes!

Do I believe that whenever money exchanges human hands, especially cash in foreign countries that corruption is a high risk? Yes!

Do I believe that safeguards need to be in place to prevent corruption? Yes!

Do I believe that orphanages and foster care systems need money in order to better meet the needs of the children? Yes!

I also know.............

I will never forget Robert's response to me when we were in the process of adopting Marissa and I was concerned about the cost involved with the adoption. He looked me in the eye and said, "All the circumstances regarding how much it costs to adopt her do not matter, what matters is a three year old girl needs a family. She does not care about the money or all the circumstances involved with why she needs a mommy and a daddy. She just wants to have a family."

Now I remember when I was going through all my adoption paperwork as a young adult, I came across the receipt from the county where my parents adopted me. They had to pay the county at that time $500, which was a lot of money back in 1892! In my young adult mind, I felt sold to the highest bidder. I am not going to lie, it did bother me. I cried tears over it for many days. It was part of my adoption grieving process. But once I understood in a more mature mind, I accepted it and have never given it credence again. It is all about education, which is why I am doing this series.

Ending this topic on a note that puts this all into perspective, I often struggle in our affluent community when I see Hummers with large luxury boats towing behind or extravagant homes or large sums of money spent on certain body enhancements. I look at many of these things and say to myself,

"I would much rather invest my money in the life of a child/orphan that will only get better with time, instead of material things of this world that wear out and lose their appeal almost as quickly as it came!"

In response to this anonymous comment...

Yesterday Anonymous D commented on this blog post from a few weeks ago.

Dear Sally, You seem like a lovely person. The world needs more people like you. But to be a good person does not mean you have to believe all that docrine. Blind faith in the teachings of men with unfounded claims can be unhealthy. To have personal integrity is to scrutinise what one is asked to believe. Especialy ancient religious texts written by the small time cult leaders of the time. With Love. D.

Anonymous D, truly I appreciate your respectful disagreement. And while I LOVE comments and even different opinions, my blog is not a place where I am going to expend energy defending MY FAITH! My blog was created as stated in it's title to express my life and my desire in hopefully an unpretentious way about how my life has been dramatically changed once I was purchased by the blood of Jesus.

Many who knew me before I surrendered it over to Him, would have told you I had a great life as it was. Many good friends don't even know when this change happened in me because in many ways I am the very same person I was prior to truly becoming sold on Jesus, but my perception on life, my desire to serve, my ability to live peacefully on this earth has dramatically changed!

So what if I am wrong? What if all I have believed is an ancient myth as you speak?

Then my time on earth has been well spent making a difference in the lives of others. And when I take my last breath then I too will just go where you are going, where ever that is.

OR

Since Christ is the way, the truth and the life......

Not only will my time on earth have been well spent leaving an indelible mark on a few lives and I will be better equipped to handle earthly matters, but.....

I will also have eternity with all of those who believe like me.

For additional clarity, many of my friends are not Christians or at least not practicing Christians. They are good people, just as I try to be. I have NEVER believed that "to be a good person does not mean you have to believe all that doctrine". I just choose to believe because it works for my life here on earth and thereafter. It is not through good works that you shall have eternal life, but through faith. I choose to have faith, my choice, my life, my desire.

Thanks for stopping by!

Thankful Thursday

Thankful for Justin's passion and being able to live it out!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22425001/vp/33429562#33429562

Thankful I am his mama and got to watch him on Naitonal TV today!

Thankful Linny, an hour ahead of us, got to set the stage for me in such a fun way-- texting me all the way to work!!

Thankful for the beautiful flowers Joe had sent for my birthday with a really funny endearing card that only his mama could appreciate!

Thankful for doctors who have Marissa and Bryson's best interest at stake.

Thankful for my mom watching Marissa today and for mopping my kitchen floor and cleaning my stove.

It was cute. She cornered me this morning (and I knew instantly what she was going to talk to me about) saying, "I heard from your sister that Bryson is going to need more medical testing and you know Sally, Marissa is sick a lot with her asthma. Do you really think you should pursue Gio?"

Oh my dear mom, who is just worried about her own daughter, bless you!!

So when I got home to a cleaner house I told her, "Mom, you had it all wrong this morning. I should adopt a lot more kids who are sick often and then I would have a really clean house!"

Giving Thanks!

Today Show FInally!! Edited with link

Here is the link!! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22425001/vp/33429562#33429562

Justin will be on the Today Show tomorrow October 22!! Set your tivo's tonight!!!

Have fun watching my sweet son!! He is SOOOOOO nervous about it!!! (In a good way)

Marissa

Marissa is still running a high temp of 103, not the 105.4 stuff like yesterday though. Her lungs are sounding worse today, trying so hard to hold off on the prednisone without getting her to a point when recovery will be so much harder and longer because we didn't start sooner. Giving her lots of breathing treatments trying to keep those lungs open. She had her third dose of T*miflu tonight. Hoping that will be the turning point for her.

Here is my sweet girl quarantined to our bedroom. I moved her mattress next to our bed. It's so cute Bryson knows he can't go in so he stands outside the door talking to her and telling her he loves her!!

Quarantine life is not so bad when you are served all your meals on a tray in bed and your mom is giving you soda to get you to drink more!!

Note her friend, Tami Flu on the tray in front of her cup!

I am using plastic spoons and throwing them out as soon as she is done, taking no chances here with the others getting it.

Off to bed to pray over my precious sick girl!

Edited: Marissa had a great night and is fever free this morning!! She is up coloring and giving orders. She must be better!! Off to work, it is papa's turn today!

To Flu Shot...Or Not continues!!

After my post on To Flu Shot or Not, I vacilatiated about getting any flu shot for Marissa until the phone rang at work today then I was wishing we had at least done the regular flu shot for her.

The school called at 1pm today saying she had a temp of 103. By 5pm, with mortin, tylenol and in a tepid bath she was burning up at 105.4. The doctor sent us immediately to urgent care where she got started on T*miflu and a supply of prednisone. We are hoping the T*miflu will kick in before the asthma gets worse at night and may be able to prevent starting the prednisone altogether. Just thankful that we have a good team of doctors who know Marissa's asthma and acted so promptly. Thankful for praying friends that covered her in prayer as we were in urgent care.

It shall be pajama day tomorrow...can't wait!

Adoption Controversy Series Issue # Two

How does her "real" mother feel about feel about giving him/her up for adoption?

I have been asked this and a multitude of questions about my children's "real" parents. I gently remind people (with a shocked looked on my face at the question) that I am the real mother, good bad or otherwise. I usually rephrase the question like this "You mean what does her "birthmother" feel about the adoption?" Then I will go on to say that I am sure the decision was not one made easily and a lot of love went into the decision.

I recently read a blog where an adoptive mother met some of her own birth family and used the terms "real" brother and "real" mother on her blog. I know this mom is a great mom and wasn't thinking her wording through, but using words like "real" when labeling birth parents or birth family can have huge consequences on the adoptee or other adoptees in your life; like your own children through adoptions. Trust me, just because you are not talking about "their" specific adoption, every adoptee hears themselves in adoption stories.

I know growing up, I heard "real mother" a lot and in fact just the other day at work someone referred to my birth mother as my real mother and I had to correct them. For me, it almost devalues my mom who raised me and loved me the best she could. I find myself protective of her when I hear people use the term "real" now that I am an adult and mother myself. I do believe it has implications on my life hearing that over and over, like my adoptive family is not my real family.

So just keeping it real, my opinion on this issue is to be careful of little ears that hear words you may use describing adoptions. Be an educator to those who have not adopted so they do not continue to use words that may seem innocuous, but really are hurtful to adoptees and often times birthparents.

Link to original thread,

Go here for the first question.

Today Couldn't Have Been Better!

My BFF took me wine tasting for the afternoon.

And No, Kevin did not ask to join us this time! Probably would have now that he is 21, but golf takes precedence over hanging with the old fogeys!

Birthday girl with her presents!

Roll out the barrels and we had some fun!

Our granddaughter even got to celebrate my refinement with me!

When we got home, Lauren had baked me a cake with homemade frosting!

It was yummy!!

Rachelle not only watched the "littles" for us today, but she made me this beautiful coffee mug. She drew Robert and I, our dog and all the kids on the mug with a special pen and then baked it.

It truly is my favorite gift, even over the Uggs that I thought I wanted more than anything!

I have to share with you that the day started off shaky when Big Rob winks at me in the kitchen this morning while I am pouring my cup o' Joe, takes me in his arms and whispers in my ear, "You wanna sneak away to our bedroom and have some older woman fun?" After I socked him in the bicep I gently reminded him that referring to his wife as older on her birthday is probably not the best approach to getting any lovin! He backpeddled the rest of the day and we managed to have a great time together!!! It was absolutely a perfect birthday!

It's 10pm and this older woman needs to get her beauty sleep! ;>)

Good Night!

Thankful Thursday

Thankful for people like Bill and Lynsay of the Morning Star Project who have dedicated their lives 24/7 to the neediest orphans in China. You can click on their button on the right side of my blog or click any of the links below to read more.

Here is an excellent for all people to help orphans whether you are called to adopt or not. You will know that your every penny of your money is going to directly impact lives of the most vulnerable.

Find in your heart this Thursday to donate even $5, one Starb*cks coffee, to the online baby shower in the honor of these sweet babes.

Before and after pictures and story of child cared for by Bill and Lynsay, here.

Go to Linny's blog to read more about them and how to donate. You can even win a door prize from her blog.

Here is the link to the renovation of the new building for the babies.

Lori just got back from China adopting a 13 year old daughter and got to visit Morning Star while in China. She has all the baby shower information too.

Giving thanks for Bill and Lynsay and what they have sacrificed in order to serve the needs of orphans!!

Two Things

Today Show for Justin was cancelled today due to a scheduling conflict. They told Justin it will be rescheduled for sometime next week, but not sure of the date as of yet. He was bummed as he was only home for three days this week and then will be gone pretty much until Thanksgiving. He could have watched it on tv as it was happening, now perhaps not.

Our small group was cancelled tonight so instead Big Rob and I went out on a little 1.5 hour date. Lauren makes $5 watching tv Bryson and Marissa sleep on our small group night. She was really looking forward to her $5, so we browsed hand in hand through World Market like two lovers best friends in Paris!!!

Adoption Controversy Series Issue # One

Click here for original post, if you are just tuning in.

Most of these issues are issues that I have heard from adult adoptees of international adoption through KAAN. I am not going to be disappointed that my adoptive friends are not commenting. Hopefully, I have not lost you completely and you will continue to read and think about some of this stuff too. I know some of this stuff is not easy to hear. But it is out there and as international adoption becomes more under scrutiny it will be unescapable. For me, I want to be the most educated and prepared mother to my children, not only when they are little and adorable (heck, that is the easy part), but when they are questioning as teenagers and seeking their identities as young adults. I want to be able to stand firm and not waiver when some of these issues may be asked of me.

Issue #1

Adopting internationally is wrong, it is better for a child to live in a group home, sometimes even an orphanage or foster families in the birth country than being adopted internationally.

There really are people out there that believe it is better in the long run to just leave orphans in their countries, even in orphanages than being adopted internationally. I no longer give money to UNIC*F as they share this view. I can't fathom that even the best orphanage or best foster family would be better than even a mediocre family struggling at times to just do their best.

Did my heart break each time the plane lifted off the ground of my children's birth country? You bet it did!!! In fact, a piece of my heart forever remains in Guatemala, Korea and now China.

But I have to remember the reason adoption comes into the equation is because of a breakdown at the familial and or societal origin; whether it be poverty, abandonment, governmental laws or societal pressures. The breakdown was first, and then the adoption becomes part of the equation and sometimes the solution.

Can you honestly believe that Bryson would be better left in China? I know what his future held for him there and it becomes even more clear the more we find out what is wrong with him. I saw "Bryson" several times when we were in China in the form of the crippled up contorted bodies on wooden boards with wheels on the streets dodging traffic begging for money. Honestly, how could that ever be better?

As for my sweet and loving Marissa who was in foster care in Guatemala, prior to her being able to speak English we knew she wasn't properly cared for and was physically abused. There were too many physical and emotional signs and then once she could speak English our hearts cried inside with stories a 4 year old is not possible of making up. So is foster care in her country better than being in a loving home that is helping her to work through all the issues she has because of the care or lack of it in her birth country? I can only imagine what would have happened to such a sweet little girl like her and it is not a place I like my mind to wander.

When it is all said and done, it is I who will be standing at the foot of my Maker. He knows what He has placed on my heart. I am trying my best to be His humble yet faithful servant.

My Life Verse

"He has showed you O man what is good and what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Micah 6:8

Controversy in Adoption

It is unfortunate that there is so much controversy when it comes to adoption, some of it valid and some of it ridiculous. Nevertheless, the controversy forces both sides of the controversy to think, reevaluate ideals and opinions. Here are some of the controversial topics I hear on a regular basis.

Why are you adopting more children?

Why are you not adopting from the US?

Are you not content with your life?

Are you trying to save the world?

For me the above questions can alter between being annoying or a chance for me to explain what has led us to adopt. For those of you who follow my blog, you already know so I won't bore you with the details.

However, here are some controversial issues that I hear in the "adoption world" that have been on my heart. I feel there is value to each of these issues (whether I agree or not) and each one at the very least is thought provoking.

• How do you raise children of a different culture and be able to adequately instill their culture in them? You are actually doing a disservice to these children as internationally adopted kids do not fit in either cultures. They have one foot in their birth country and one foot in America.

• How do you address racism in our white world when you are white yourself? In fact, as a white person, you already think you are better as you feel you can come in and "rescue" minority orphans from another country.

• Aren't you just contributing to the problem of orphans in these countries that take large sums of money from you to adopt your child?

• Adopting internationally is wrong, it is better for a child to live in a group home, foster home or sometimes even an orphanage in the birth country than being adopted internationally.

• How does her "real" mother feel about giving her/him up?

• Adoption rarely is about the child, it is usually about the parents.

I am sure that I have left out many other known issues, feel free to add any if you like.

In order, to keep your attention, I have decided to address each of the above thought provoking issues in separate posts. My goal is to address one or more a week. My hope is that we can get some good dialogue going. I just ask if you respond in disagreement to my post, to do so with respect. My desire is that as adoptive parents, we step out of our comfort zone and address some of these issues that at times we would rather not discuss and at the same time be able to dispel some of the controversy.

As experienced adoptive parents, we know that love does not fix it all. While each of the above issues I may not agree with, I do believe each have some level of truth. It is our responsibility as adoptive parents of internationally adopted children to make sure we continue on this adoption life journey with our eyes wide open. The journey didn't stop once we signed the adoption paperwork! That's when the parenting began!

Are you game to go there? Don't we become better parents discussing this stuff?

If you are not an adoptive parent, but have opinions or questions feel free to join in!

Cleaning out the Junk and Clutter

In this ever evolving process of trying to simplify my life, I find myself routinely going through the closets, garage and other areas of the house trying to get rid of things of no value or that have not been used in a long time (like that orange polka dot dress, really what was I thinking and mother you were with me and allowed me to buy it! I know Coldwater Creek clothing, I'm too young for it even six years later). It seems like it should be something that I do once and then be able to move on, but for some reason there is always more junk and clutter.

I started thinking (here she goes again) as I was rummaging through my junk again that the never ending junk in my house is symbolic of the never ending junk and clutter in my life.

Just when I think I have it all figured out or life is on a roll going in a stress free direction, junk or clutter rear their ugly heads.

Why is it so hard for us to let go of all the junk and clutter in our lives? Why do we hold onto the unnecessary junk; past hurts, should haves, could haves and what ifs?

Literally as I am cleaning out my closet for the umpteenth time, life junk from the past started to fall off the shelves cluttering my thoughts, anxiety ensued.

Why can't I just box it, put it on the curb and allow the disabled vets to come pick it up with the rest of my junk? At least someone would be benefiting from my junk!

Why is it so hard to surrender it all to Him when the outcome is His sufficient grace?

The junk falling off the shelf this time has to do with my inability to forgive a particular individual. It really speaks more less of myself holding onto the inability to forgive this person. If I could just truly forgive this person and not just speak the words or pretend that I have forgiven, at least that shelf would be clean for good!

Do you have any shelves to clean?

Edited: After writing this post, I went to church at our regular time, regular service. We are doing the 40 Days of Love and our small group is one week behind, so we are not on topic with our church. So happens this week is on FORGIVENESS!

How humbled was I when our dear sweet Director of Women's ministries was able to come up on stage and answer questions from our pastor. You see a year and a half ago, she was riding her bike training for a ride when at 10am she was struck by a 20 year old drunk driver. She had a VERY traumatic brain injury and really shouldn't have survived. But she has and a year and half later was able to be interviewed at church, report that she will no longer be able to work and talked about FORGIVENESS.

Kathi has forgiven the young girl that hit her. Not only has she forgiven her, she visits her in jail. I sat there humbled to tears, if Kathi can forgive someone who has literally taken her old life away, how can I not forgive someone who took part of my old life away? Different scenarios, but same forgiveness!

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive (Sally) as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13